I stopped believing
in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department
store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Even before
Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Buy Buy'
Robert Paul
Christmas is a
time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present
remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
"Once again we
find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special
time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing
centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space
at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving
around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the
mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the
Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after
week, until it led them to a parking space."
Dave Barry
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the
Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews
called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to
parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would
say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists)
'Look out for the wall!'"
Dave Barry
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and
his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas
parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on
Christmas morning is their husband."
Joan Rivers.
"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money
or your feet."
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times
more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And
while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be
seeing six or seven."
W.C. Fields
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man
would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory
"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a
beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe
that he's smoking?"
Arlo Guthrie
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in
time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a
note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.
"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for
the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a
lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual
affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like
compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please
give our respects to its family... "
Berke Breathed "
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons.
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
Jay Leno.
"A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing."
Jay Leno.
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took
me to see him in a department store and he asked for my
autograph."
Shirley Temple
"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he
wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to
cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this
guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"
Tom Armstrong
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have
the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and
beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption,
popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so
harmoniously?"
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office
party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around
April fifteenth of the next year."
P. J. O'Rourke
"There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide
to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections,
traditions."
Bill McKibben
"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold,
everything is softer and more beautiful."
Norman Vincent Peale
"There has been only one Christmas - the rest are
anniversaries."
W.J. Cameron.
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."
Victor Borge
"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at
Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made
of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks
and cottage cheese in them."
P.J. O'Rourke.
"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes
of children, they are all 30 feet tall."
Larry Wilde.
"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a
conspiracy of love."
Hamilton Wright Mabi
"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a
wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the
baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history,
because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the
healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of
hearts for almost two thousand years... Underneath all the
bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart."
George Matthew Adams
"I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and
open a jar of it every month."
Harlan Miller
"If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love
away."
"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence
of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."
"Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every
day."
Helen Steiner Rice
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in
time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
The worst gift is
a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world,
and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
Never worry about
the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they
are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde |